


amateurs at war

by madnessiseverything



Series: tales of narnia [24]
Category: Chronicles of Narnia (Movies), Chronicles of Narnia - All Media Types, Chronicles of Narnia - C. S. Lewis
Genre: Character Study, Ficlet, Gen, Protective Older Brothers, aka maugrim, brief mention of animal death and blood, the reality of killing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:20:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27876758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madnessiseverything/pseuds/madnessiseverything
Summary: Peter, as a brave, stupid kid, had always thought he’d kill for his siblings without hesitation.the one where killing is not as easy as one imagined
Series: tales of narnia [24]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2039454
Comments: 3
Kudos: 37





	amateurs at war

**Author's Note:**

> once again, i have some peter feelings and decided to share them with the world. a shorter version of this was posted on my tumblr yesterday
> 
> (title from "mars" by sleeping at last, a song very prone to giving me peter feels)

Peter, as a brave, stupid kid, had always thought he’d kill for his siblings without hesitation. The thought of protecting them never stumbled over the idea that maybe one day someone won’t back down when Peter steps in the way. And while Peter never considered himself violent, he knew that his siblings stood above everything else for him. He always thought it wouldn’t be a problem, in this abstract ‘what-if’.

The war turned his imagined scenarios much less distant, and Peter had often found himself thinking about the day where he would follow in his father’s footsteps and defend the country, which in turn would protect his siblings. Duty and honour became words thrown around with both immense weight and increasing carelessness until the true meaning behind them grew muddy and indistinct. Peter saw soldiers, listened to the wireless, and thought about how perhaps one day, it would fall into his hands to do his duty. And while death was always in the back of his mind, and he knew, distantly, that war included killing, it simply never occurred to him that he would struggle, or falter. It would be his duty; it would keep the others safe; it would be a good thing to do. And that would be it.

Staring down at blood-stained hands, he realises just how foolish he had been then. Maugrim’s body lies next to him. His sword is still clutched in his grip from the last stab that made Peter a killer. A younger Peter had thought proudly of how he would not hesitate. Peter, as he is now, can only think about how he hesitated far too much, and yet wishes he never stopped, that it had never gone beyond the hesitation, never gone beyond him pointing an unsteady blade at a snarling wolf. He doesn’t remember how he ended up on the ground. All he can see is how much his hands shake.

Susan and Lucy wrap their arms around him, alive and unharmed. And he cries. His hands leave smears of red down the back of his sisters’ dresses, but he clings to them tighter with every passing second. Because he was wrong. The stupid kid back in England thought he wouldn’t hesitate, would do anything it took to keep his siblings safe with ease and righteousness. That killing would be something distant, unimportant in the face of duty.

Now here he is, with a bloodied sword lying next to a wolf’s body, his sisters safe, and his stomach turning at the thought that he will have to look at Maugrim again. Around them, there are loud voices, a rush of bodies, then only sobs. Peter can’t get himself to stop. His chest feels tight, his throat like it might tear. He can’t figure out which of the three of them is trembling so hard that it feels like his bones should clatter.

“You have forgotten to clean your sword,” says a rumbling voice, hidden from Peter’s sight by Susan and Lucy. They pull away, and Peter wants to scream, wants to tug them back in and hide from what he did. Aslan’s eyes feel too heavy; the unspoken demand too much for Peter to bear. Susan keeps her hand on his shoulder, squeezes once, then twice. Peter wipes at his face and turns to do as the lion asked. His stomach roils. He never wanted this.

And yet, much later, looking at a witch demanding his brother’s death, he draws a clean sword, steps forward and knows he will do it again.

**Author's Note:**

> i have a [narnia tumblr](https://bloodybigwardrobe.tumblr.com/) and am also active on [twitter](https://twitter.com/notanycritter). i'm always up for a chat!


End file.
